between grace and disgrace

Has I told some people, being in Moldova is not been easy for me. Besides the fact that people stare at me everyday, the fact that I don't the language and the bites I know of romanian are not good for russian speakers... I just don't feel at home. And this feeling of homelessness is making me search comfort in things that can only give me a temporary comfort.
Confession time: I drunk more alcohol in this month than the previous years of my life! Maybe I'm exaggerating but I've been drink a lot, more than what I call healthy. And before alcohol it was chocolate and if it wasn't neither it would be something else... Don't get me wrong I'm not vomiting in the streets! I'm just sinking my feelings of vulnerability, discomfort, uncertainty and not belonging in a glass of wine. Right now I'm thinking, do you I really want everyone to know about it? I'm putting myself on the spot light here... but confessing is the first step to freedom and I feel good confessing it to the anonymous web community.
And the last days I've been really trying to figure out what is going on in me. I've meditating and asking my self and Yahweh some questions. And on question keeps popping out: I'm I good enough to be loved? Can you love me in my imperfection? and Grace says Yes, I love you with all your imperfections! I still don't get this grace thing, how can someone Perfect accept and, even more, seek for relationship with someone imperfect like me.
Today I found this inspiring video that really puts it clear what I've going through. And reminds me something a good friend told me some years ago: Without pain there's no pleasure. Without being willing to suffer, there's no chance to find true joy and love. Hope we can start realizing the power of vulnerability:

2 comentários:

  1. Well, living with me probably hasnt helped. I'm a drinker. I've accepted it, i've embraced it. I'm happy with it. Having said that, your message resonates in tune with my own thoughts, since being here i've drunk more than I'VE ever drunk before, for pretty much the same reasons.

    However, this is exactly the problem, without one there is not the other. You need to feel and go through the bad to appreciate the good. No matter how fuckin terrible it can get, it can also be pretty good.

    Anyway, Wine, Vodka or Beer later?

  2. I agree with your conclusion. Loneliness can be the a challenge when your thoughts and prays are trying simultaneous to reach the ultimate aspiration: Peace. It`s time to go through a completely diferent path. Just enjoy the learnings and your inner self (which, by the way, notwithstanding the imperfections and weaknesses, can be rather beautiful :)).
    Many kisses,


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